Baby Daddy 49: Talking Shit and Bags of Dicks

IT'S OCTOBER!!!!!!

I have taken so long to post that I thought it was 2019. With that said, I am posting this shit before I forget. You know, there are few things I love more than absurdity in public. Another thing I like is profanity in public. Admit it you. There is something gratifying when you see a situation, think "damn that sucks", and suddenly hear the person in the situation say, "damn that sucks." It's great!

Well boy has it been an exciting time. First, I want to share a special experience that happened with my family. You see, my son goes to preschool on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I have night classes on Wednesday, from 5pm until 10pm. That means that on Wednesday, I do not get to see my son much. To help with this, my folks offered to take care of the kiddo on Wednesdays. The premise is simple. They pick him up, play with him, bring him to my office for lunch, and take him home. During that time, my wife works and I get to see the kiddo.

Well, a few weeks ago, my folks came across a book: Toddlers Are Assholes. And in this book, you get a very candid view of parenthood. Imagine the Baby Daddy series in book form. Now imagine it longer, and let me know if you would buy it. If so, I'll print it. But I digress.

In that book, however, the author uses special language. At one point they suggest that someone (a neighbor?) can eat a giant bag of dicks. Of course, I'm sitting in a car and I read this out loud, and my folks hear it. They have my sense of humor, and my mother starts laughing her ass off. My father, who is standing outside of the car, says, "What?"

So I repeat my self, "...a giant bag of dicks."

"A bag of what?"

"Dicks."

"What?"

"DICKS!!!"

Yes, my father was struggling to hear and I ended up yelling "DICKS" as loud as I could. Judging from the stares people shot our direction, I don't think they appreciated the humor as much. I know my mother didn't, as she slowly leaned the seat back to avoid being seen.

BUT!

That is not the purpose of this story! The purpose of this story is that we are working to help my son talk! We think he is pretty damn close to talking, and we are trying to give him that extra nudge. Yesterday, I decided to take him with me to the clinic. Now, that alone was harmless. He made it 90 minutes into a two hour wait, before he lost patience. Even so, that was okay. One woman judged me for letting the kid throw a phone that had an Otterbox case. She said I was, "reinforcing bad habits". I figure he made it 90 goddamn minutes without running away, stealing other people's shit, or screaming. If he wants to throw a phone - particularly one that I am okay with him throwing - then that woman can kindly fuck off. Plus, he didn't throw it in the water...

But that STILL is not what I am writing about. I am writing about the fact that we are trying to get my son to talk more. In particular, he decided to climb up on a chair and sit down. That's reasonable. I then did what seemed like a reasonable thing, and said "sit". That makes sense, right? He sat down, I said "sit", he would start to know that what "sit" means. What I did not expect was for him to try to repeat the word. Or the fact that he has not mastered the "sss" sound. That's right, he uses "sh" for the "sss" sound. And in that one moment, the entire waiting area heard my son say "shit".

Now most parents would have been mortified. Not me, though. I started laughing. Do you know why? One, it's funny. He said "shit", people looked, and I laughed. They looked at me, and I laughed harder. The other reason why I laughed? Because I know he didn't learn that shit from me. Anyone who knows me knows that I almost exclusively us the word "fuck". In fact, I love the word "fuck" so much that I want to create a dictionary of colorful uses for the word "fuck". Not just any dictionary, but a coloring book dictionary! "Color in with Colorful Language". That sounds like a fantastic tagline. And for the special release, everyone gets a bag of dicks.

Moral of the Story: My father couldn't hear me yell "DICKS" across the parking lot. My son said "shit", and I laughed. Oh, and I have my next big marketing idea.