Well That Was Racist....

Have you ever had it where you were talking, thinking or looking at something else, and then said the wrong thing? A lot of times it shows up as saying something and mixing up the wrong sounds of the word. "I missed the history lecture" turns into "I hissed the mystery lecture" and suddenly it all gets wonky.

Another example is when you are trying to write the word "example" and you are talking to someone about the exact wording, and you accidentally write "Another exactly is when you are trying to write the word "example" and..."

While I usually do okay in speaking, and I usually do not have a significant issue with these types of mistakes, I occasionally have one that is really bad.

Enter Last Week:

As I was at work, I was meeting with my boss' boss. As we are talking, my boss walks by and has a perplexed look on his face. In an effort to be glib, I wanted to say that I was going to apply to be a school lawn mower. The reason for this is that lawn mowers at the local school earn more than $25/hour to mow a football field. That is a helluva deal! You slap that sumbitch in first gear (it's a riding mower) and you have yourself a $400 day of work. So what if I may die of allergies?

Unfortunately, I had a few too many miscues.

First, I said, "I'm auditioning..." I don't know why I said that, but I did. That is not the bad part though.

I got all the way through, "I'm auditioning to be a lawn...." and then I started thinking about the football field. In that moment, I remember high school and the different social classes, and that football players were called "Jocks".

And in that moment, I said, "I'm auditioning to be a lawn jock."

As soon as I heard it come out, I thought, wait.......that's not right...........that's racist...........am I racist?.......I'm Jewish............do I hate Jews?..........I'm in an office with my boss and his boss........am I going to get fired?...........Well this took a nasty turn.......shit.

And there you have it. Within a blink -- good book, by the way -- I ended up fucking up my words and sounding like a tremendous bigot. For the record, I am not racist and I do not hate Jews.

Moral of the Story: It is incredibly easy to fuck up what you are wanting to say, and incredibly unfortunate when you fuck it up in a way that makes you look bad. Also, I am writing this from the waiting room for Human Resources.

Baby Daddy 51: What the fuck, 2019?

Oh holy shit. Did you know it is already APRIL????? WHAT THE SWEET GODDAMN?!?!

2019 has been a fuck of a year, let me tell you. A trip to China, jet lag, sleep regressions, stomach bugs, spring breaks, travels to Washington DC and Kansas City, and suddenly we are already at PASSOVER!!! Holy hell has it been a shite year. Shite for schedule and time. Not necessarily shite for the progress being made.

And now I have to catch up on FOUR MONTHS of life. Fortunately I was so sleep deprived that I didn't get a chance to learn much of anything. I saw where the US government fairly well fuck itself. I saw where China is colonizing the world and is slowly taking over. I saw where my son clearly understands EVERYTHING we say, regardless of language. I saw where corporate strategies began to grow, die, revive.....it had a weird Jesus-y tone to it.

Oh, and I am starting a podcast. Not sure what I am going to share yet.

On a HUGE FUCKING SIDE NOTE!!! I hate our cat. I hate him so goddamn hard right now. It is Spring, he has no testicles, and yet he STILL is trying to mark his territory. That wouldn't be so bad, but he sprayed MY SON'S CLOTHES!!!! How do I explain to my son's teacher that he smells like cat musk because our cat is shooting blanks and angry about it? HOW? I have not struggled with a smell like this since my son had the stomach flu.



So.

Much.

Poo.

So.

Much.

Puke.


We literally threw his clothes away. That was probably a violation of several environmental regulations. I'm pretty sure we would have had to burn the clothes to be in full environmental compliance. I will say, though, that nothing beats taking your baby to the doctor, them asking why we brought him in, and having your son completely evacuate his bowels and stomach contents on the middle of the floor.

For the record, Nurse Jackie, I do apologize for standing there while you cleaned it up. In my defense, my lack of action prevented my stomach from contributing to the problem. Also, thank you for giving him a "free" t-shirt to replace the clothes we had to throw away.

ON a side note, anti-vaccine people are dumb as fuck. "Let's avoid a completely random and astronomically unlikely event by putting our child at risk of dying from antiquated diseases." I mean, seriously! Oh yeah, and don't forget that the anti-vaccine movement puts all people with compromised immune systems at risk. How did humanity die out? Nuclear War? No. Fucking polio.

Moral of the Story: 2019 has been a sumbitch, but everything is (hopefully) getting back on track. Oh, and I can never take my son back to that medical facility again.....ever. And yes, our son DOES get vaccines. Because anti-vaccine people are a Darwinist gift.